July 22, 2010

on remembering I have faith {part two}

This is what I do. I obey the commandments and I seek to do Your will and I try my best to love others the way You do.

I read books about how to do it better, and I ask for You to show me how, and I try to form new habits and think in new ways and I strive for understanding and come up with ideas to do it more and offer suggestions for how to achieve it.

I write lists and read books and listen to wise counsel, start projects and make notes and if I can just be better and stronger, learn more, try harder, I can repair, restore, renew, help, heal, understand, change.

But I am weary, and things never change. I never change.

And then,

Is this what I own?

Knowledge that goads me into believing I can think my way through it
Diligence that wraps me in false security, for if I Just. Keep. Trying.
Independence disguised as obedience

And I wince at the familiar sting - I’ve been doing things my own way, the way that I own. Thinking it will be me, all my lists and ideas and efforts, well-intentioned as they may be, that will cause and effect; sweet victory will be mine because I studied and sacrificed and never gave up.

But if I cling to my things, my ways....

...nay, my most prized possessions...

...am I missing the greatest splendors?

Don't I trust enough to walk without relying on myself, on what I own?
Words find me; whispered among the stockpile and rations of books and lists and ideas.

Give up what you own. Then come, loved one, follow me. All things are possible with God.

part one

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