on remembering I have faith {part two}

This is what I do. I obey the commandments and I seek to do Your will and I try my best to love others the way You do.

I read books about how to do it better, and I ask for You to show me how, and I try to form new habits and think in new ways and I strive for understanding and come up with ideas to do it more and offer suggestions for how to achieve it.

I write lists and read books and listen to wise counsel, start projects and make notes and if I can just be better and stronger, learn more, try harder, I can repair, restore, renew, help, heal, understand, change.

But I am weary, and things never change. I never change.

And then,

Is this what I own?

Knowledge that goads me into believing I can think my way through it
Diligence that wraps me in false security, for if I Just. Keep. Trying.
Independence disguised as obedience

And I wince at the familiar sting - I’ve been doing things my own way, the way that I own. Thinking it will be me, all my lists and ideas and efforts, well-intentioned as they may be, that will cause and effect; sweet victory will be mine because I studied and sacrificed and never gave up.

But if I cling to my things, my ways....

...nay, my most prized possessions...

...am I missing the greatest splendors?

Don't I trust enough to walk without relying on myself, on what I own?
Words find me; whispered among the stockpile and rations of books and lists and ideas.

Give up what you own. Then come, loved one, follow me. All things are possible with God.

part one

on remembering i have faith {part one}

Life squalls, threatening to capsize me if I don’t figure it out and

work
work
work

But then,

what if I am the storm?

flesh feverish with a thousand thoughts slicing wild-hot
bones crashing loud with earnest effort
heart raging with determination
soul gusting fierce to opposition

Words find me, breathe calm to my tempest.

Peace! Be Still!

hiking the narrows

My friend was recently describing a hike her husband is hoping to go on in Zion National Park, Utah. It's called The Narrows, and is a 16-mile long slot canyon through which runs the Virgin River. At places, the walls of the canyon are 2000 feet tall and only 20-30 feet wide.

But you can always look up and see out of the canyon.

I read this post today on (in)courage, written by a young woman who has an autoimmune disease which there is no cure for and has left her homebound.


It was a nice encouragement to me, because it’s easy to wander into the wondering land of “What’s the point of this? Why me?” even when you’ve decided to stop asking those questions. And the truth is, even in my blessings, I sometimes wonder "Why me? What have I done to deserve this? What am I supposed to do with this blessing?" And the answer I return to is: trust He knows what He's doing, obey, and let Him do it.

I’ve excerpted part of her post below.

...when she was talking about the story of Abraham and Isaac, which prompted her to look up the meaning for the word “trial.” This is what her book said:

TRIAL (Old Testament) noun: from the Hebrew word sara which comes from the root srh, which means, “to bind, tie up, restrict." Thus, the noun comes to denote a narrow place in life where one is bound or restricted…

I read it, and then read it again. And as I tried to digest it, I kept muttering to myself, “God, what are you trying to say here?!?!”

My name, Sara, means to be in a narrow place in life where one is bound or restricted. Me. Sara. Who is homebound. Restricted by my location. Restricted by my very body that could barely move from the pain. Restricted by my lungs that don’t allow a deep breath anymore. Restricted from life beyond my four walls.

I got it. Not subtle. But what’s the point you’re trying to make here, God??? What’s the point?

Funny, that’s a question I usually try to avoid. What’s the point of all of this? What’s the point of my illness… my pain… my limitations… my forfeiting of all the dreams I had for my life. What’s the point?

I avoid the question because I’m fully aware I may never know the answer. I may never know how He is choosing to use my life or why not healing me fits into His plan. And I decided a long time ago that it’s ok if I never know, because I trust Him. He knows, and that’s all that matters.

But as I sat there and wondered, “What’s the point?” it occurred to me that as my physical life has been made narrow, as I have been bound and restricted and faced this trial, He has saved me from living a narrow life.

If I had not become physically restricted in this trial, I would not be here talking with all of you. Because of this trial, my world – my life – has been opened up to a community who has stepped forward to share my life, my story, my faith. I have been stretched and pulled and reshaped in my beliefs. My life has been fuller and deeper and wider, maybe not despite of my homebound status, but because of it.

My name is the origin of the word trial. I am bound and restricted. But He saved me from living a narrow life. He took my trial and redeemed it. I thought, in my story as Isaac, I was not spared because I am not healed.

But in truth, He healed my spirit.

And set me free.

by Sara Frankl, Gitzen Girl

original photo here

note to self

Oh self, how this world tempts me to control!
To curl finger tips to palm and dig in with self-centeredness, pride, foolish wisdom;
clench fists tightly around darkness.

Oh self, give it up!

When my hands are closed, so it is with my heart.

He laid open his palms for the greatest sacrifice, the ultimate act of love;
then reached out, offering scars so others would believe.

Oh self, give it up!

Father, I have sinned.
Held fast to this need for control;
Lived blindly with the illusion that I could control what is yours;
Given myself freely to it, and bound up with the enemy;
These hands, this heart, closed, unable to truly receive you,
How many opportunities have I missed to wash feet?

Yet, I come now, under merciful grace,
press palms together,
now lay open wide,
offer myself freely to you, a living sacrifice.

Oh self, give it up, this prison of worldly control,
uncurl fingers to find the key,
hold light in your hands,
and live in the freedom of open.

DELIVERANCE

Do you know how long it takes giant Chinese bamboo to grow as tall as a building? Some might answer it takes six weeks for bamboo to grow 90 feet, which is true. But they would be forgetting something.

Bamboo spends four years as a tiny plant, being watered and fertilized as its enormous root system is developing under the ground. Then in the fifth year, it shoots up to the sky, growing 90 feet in just six weeks. The plant must survive four years before it can grow at that rate.

On the other hand, do you know how long it takes an alfalfa seed to sprout and grow into one of the few known complete foods? About four days.

I can't really tie those two illustrations together except to say, I think I've been bamboo, but now I want to be a sprout.

The last two years for me have largely been about surviving. Not the cut-off-my-own-arm-with-a-pocket-knife kind of survival, but the survival of my spirit, the survival of my self, the survival of my soul. It hasn't been easy. Sometimes I felt like cutting off my own arm would have been easier, but I think we're finally coming to the other side of it, new and stronger and hopefully brighter.

{But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 4:7-9}

Funny thing, though, in all the surviving, there was a lot of dying. So many things I had to come to terms with and let die, many things I had to completely surrender, many sacrifices (luckily, no appendages).

{Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18}

When you're in survival mode, you learn a lot about who you are and who you want to be, what you're made of, what you believe in and what is important to you. There's a stripping down of things to bare bones, to the very core, to the vulnerability of nakedness.

I've also witnessed miracles in a new way, both great and small, most all of them beyond my comprehension.

I experienced grace and mercy and heartache and joy, all in waves that brought me to my knees.

For all of this, I am thankful for my time of surviving.

{“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” 2 Corinthians 5:17}

I don't think I fully realized that I've been just surviving until recently. But I hope that seeing things from this perspective means I have, in fact, survived. I feel like I have. And so have decided the new year will be one of thriving.

{For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. 2 Corinthians 4:6}

Things may not go my way. I may not get what I want. I'm certain I will continue to struggle and face trials, learn and grow. And that's all okay.

I believe my life will have seasons of quiet ripening and seasons of surviving. But this January we are entering a season of thriving!

Will I look back on this post in a year, six months, even two weeks and think "good grief, that was that day I drank four cups of hot chocolate and got kind of crazy"? Ehn, maybe.

But for now, today, I'm going to be a little crazy and know God is faithful beyond my wildest imagination. I'm going to be brave, believe big and expect great things!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD... Jeremiah 29:11

Happy New Year, dear friends. Believe big. Be well.

IT'S GETTING BRIGHT IN HERE

Happy Winter Solstice!

On this shortest day of the year, the sun is at its lowest and weakest, a pivot point from which the light will grow stronger and brighter.

Following the time of dormancy, darkness and cold, the coming of lighter days is a time to rejoice.

Silent night, holy night. All was calm, all was bright around the virgin mother and her child, the Holy infant, so tender and mild, sleeping in Heavenly Peace.

Shepherds quaked at the sight of glories streaming from heaven above as Heavenly hosts sung Alleluia! Christ, the Saviour is born!

For He was the Son of God, and love's pure light shone radiant beams from His holy face, as the sun rose on the dawn of redeeming grace. Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth.

So I cried in the car on Saturday as Aaron and I were headed to Houston. I was serenading Aaron with Christmas songs... Jingle Bells was great, Joy the World was inspiring (I put my own little twist on it, if you can imagine) but I choked when I got to Drummer Boy... then totally lost it when I tried Silent Night.

It's said to be the most famous Christmas song. Isn't it beautiful?

I can picture that night... imagine, the entire world quiet, not even the hours-old infant is crying. Mary holding her child close, pondering His sweet face. Do the animals know they share their stable with a King?

And somewhere in a field, Shepherds are tending their flock, heavily cloaked against the cold, staff in hand quietly moving among their sheep, their breath showing warm in the night air. Maybe they've been wondering at the stillness of this particular night. Maybe even commented to one another that it seemed peculiar.

Then an Angel appears! It is good news, a child has been born, Immanuel, who would change the world.

For you see, until then, God had been in Heaven and we on Earth, separated by our inevitable sin. {Long lay the world in sin and error pining.}

But God didn't want to be separate from us.

So He sent his Son to walk among us, to live on Earth as we live, to teach us how to love, and ultimately die as we die. And for the ransom of Jesus' life, if we believe in Him, we are redeemed of our sin and no longer separated from God.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

FAH WHO FOR-AZE

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so?
Christmas came without ribbons. It came without tags.
It came without packages, boxes or bags.
And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before.
What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store.
What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.



This Christmas I'm trying:
Less money, more time.
Less stressing, more blessing.
Less wishing, more thanking.


"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen."
1 Timothy 1:15-17

BREAD CRUMB TRAIL

Like a teenager in tantrum, selfish, unwilling, I scream I don't want to! Why? You just don't understand!

And He answers simply, Because I know best. I can see things you can't see. Because I love you.

Yet I storm off...prideful, hurt, ignoring, certain I can make my own decisions.

So I wallow...flounder...squander.

But He comes for me and knocks, again, on my door. Child, I am always here.

Still I wallow...flounder...squander...starve.

Then I turn towards home and look again for the bread of life.

Grace, Father running to me long before I'm at his feet begging forgiveness.

Grace, Father feeding me what I have not earned.

And I rest...trusting...grateful...fed.

NOT FREDDY KRUEGER

What does it say about human nature that the universal, stereotypical worst nightmare consists of walking into a classroom/a meeting/the grocery store and realizing you are naked?

Is it surprising that barely three chapters in to the Bible, there, right there, is a story that explains the universal worst nightmare?

The first question was not Why did you eat the fruit? Why did you disobey? Why are you afraid of being naked? It was Who told you that you were naked?

Is that because He did not create us to know what is naked? He did not want us to know what naked felt like?

Disclaimer: These are only my thoughts and opinions. I am by no means the first person to have these ideas. There are absolutely holes in my ideas. Take it or leave it.

THE TRICK

I randomly started looking up one day while sitting on a bench. Then I thought it would be neat to look up occasionally and take notice of things from a different perspective. Kind of like Carpe Diem in Dead Poets Society, only with less standing on furniture.

If you try it, don't just lift your eyes. You have to tilt your head way back, until it's hard to keep your mouth closed.

You might notice a beautiful sky. You might notice the attention to detail of an architect. You might only notice the dust on your ceiling fan.

You might notice you can't see what's in front of you any more.

Last weekend our family gathered to celebrate our precious Reid's 1st birthday. We were walking along the path behind my sister's house; I was carrying Aubrey so we could have some special time. And I decided to look up. So I stopped and told Aubrey to look up into those gloriously tall East Texas pine trees that line the path.

And that beautiful child who loves to share experiences called ahead "Daddy! Uncle Bus! Stop walking! Look up!"

So there we all stood. Looking up at the blue of a late afternoon summer sky filtering through all those lovely branches. Quiet. Still.

And I realized...that's the trick.

You have to stop walking to look up. (Or at least it's fairly dangerous to be moving and looking up at the same time.) And it's hard to speak when your head is tilted back, stretching out your vocal chords, I suppose.

When I'm looking up, I'm still. And my mind is quieter and focused on seeing what's above me. The whole world seems calmer because I can't see all the busyness going on around me.

Maybe you'll take a minute today and Look Up.

looking up at Halcyon

MORE THAN A POP QUIZ

I read Abraham's story again today. Ol' Abe, what a guy. Not only did he obey God, but he did it promptly and without questioning. He didn't ask why. He didn't dilly-dally around hoping God would change his mind. He didn't whine and cry about it. For three days Abraham traveled knowing what he was headed to do. THREE DAYS! But not once did he turn around, not once in those very long days did he chicken out and decide he couldn't do it. And I find it interesting that Abraham asked his servants to stay behind while he and Isaac went to the sacrificial spot. Surely he knew those men would not understand and would try to stop him. They would probably think he was a crazy old kook! So Abraham very intentionally left behind the things that might keep him from obeying God's command.

I do not by any stretch of the imagination believe this was easy for Abraham. If it were easy, it would not have been God's test of ultimate sacrifice. I can't even imagine the heartache and turmoil he must have endured, the countless times he must have wanted to cry out to God in question or plead for his son's life. But he didn't. He did nothing but trust and obey.

How can I be so faithful a servant? How can I obey? How can I stay the course? What am I being asked to sacrifice?

Abraham Tested
Genesis 22:1-14

1 Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, "Abraham!"
"Here I am," he replied.
2 Then God said, "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about."

3 Early the next morning Abraham got up and saddled his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. 4 On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. 5 He said to his servants, "Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you."

6 Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together, 7 Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, "Father?"
"Yes, my son?" Abraham replied.
"The fire and wood are here," Isaac said, "but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?"

8 Abraham answered, "God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son." And the two of them went on together.

9 When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. 10 Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. 11 But the angel of the LORD called out to him from heaven, "Abraham! Abraham!"
"Here I am," he replied.

12 "Do not lay a hand on the boy," he said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son."

13 Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. 14 So Abraham called that place The LORD Will Provide. And to this day it is said, "On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided."

And because Abraham obeyed, God chose him, a man who was willing to sacrifice his only begotten son, to be the earthly father of His people. "and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me." (Gen. 22:18)

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that whoever believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

Selah.

PROJECT PIGGY-BACK

This is what you get when you have a friend who reads your blog and has a crazy husband who works in Photoshop! My friend, Stacy, asked her hubby, John (holla!), to create this picture for me. I LOVE IT!

Isn't it hilarious? And perfect!? I have it taped to my bathroom mirror at home, and on my screen saver at work. Every time I look at it, I smile.

I think Stacy and I might have been sisters in a different life. Sisters who own a doggy rescue home. A very organized, well-managed doggy rescue home. With cupcakes. Dogs would get lost just so they could be rescued by us.

I'm so thankful for good friends.

Thank you McT.s!

POP QUIZ

So I was going back over my last (first?) month's posts about my spiritual walk and I started to wonder if I've drifted away from what I set out to do, which was focus on one thing at a time, take things slow, and be very intentional. This weekly blog check-in almost makes me feel like elementary school where you master something new each week, then move on.

Counting by tens? Got it. Next! Prepositional phrases? Got it. Next! Memorize state capitals? Got it. Next!

But really, that's not what is happening. Because I am not the one creating the curriculum, doing the lesson planning and coming up with learning activities.

I am the student. I'm being guided. I'm being prepared.

I am listening now more than ever. I am paying attention. What is it you want to teach me?

This isn't easy. In fact, I'd venture to say that because I'm paying more attention, I'm working harder to keep up. Some new, very hard, lessons are popping up. But the reward is already outweighing the work.

I feel a sense of direction and purpose more than I've ever known. I feel more peace than I've ever known, right smack in the middle of more uncertainty than I've ever known.

I feel challenged to seek - really seek. Show me.

and ask - really, really ask. Tell me.

and understand - deeply understand. Test me.

and trust - faithfully trust. Use me.

and follow - truly follow. Lead me.

and love - completely love. Have me.

Selah.

SPINACH

Many of you know the enormous (it feels enormous to me) struggle I'm facing now. . . . have been facing for a while, really. If you don't know the details, well, I'm facing an enormous struggle right now, have been for a while.

Several of the incredible people whom I've confided in and talked with over time have mentioned something about how strong I am, or how they don't know how I 'do it' or have lasted this long.

While it is nice and so so encouraging to hear those sentiments spoken by the people I love, I realized something about what they were saying.

It is not my strength.

I have this funny image that I often think of. It's me. Riding piggy-back. On God's back. On the beach. Sometimes He even jogs a little to make me giggle.

A couple of years ago, before I had any idea how long this road would be, and I thought I was at the end of my rope and there was no way I could go on, I thought of the Footprints in the Sand poem and how I was at a time in my life I needed God to carry me. But instead of being cradled in His arms like one might carry a baby, I saw myself clinging to His back.

I remember imagining the silly invitation: "Hop on girl! I'll carry you!" There's even a small East Texas twang so it sounds more like "Hawpon gerl!" As if we were about to compete in some raucous piggy-back race at a family reunion.

It is not my strength.

Since then, I'm pretty sure I've jumped down and walked beside Him on my own two feet. There were times I looked back to see my footprints had veered away from His. But His were always over there, a steady consistent path, usually near the water, sometimes walking on it. just kidding

But I've continued to imagine myself hopping on to be carried. Sometimes for long periods of time, sometimes for just an hour.

It is not my strength.

Focusing intentionally on my spiritual walk has caused me to understand more fully the Truth that I can do everything through Him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13) And that I would be nothing but a sad soggy pancake without Him.

All I have to do is turn to Him. Every time I ask, He gives me what I need. Patience, understanding, peace, sleep, clarity, shelter, relief, joy, hope, faith, a ride.

It is not my strength.

Selah.

SHAKEN NOT STIRRED

This week has been kind of hard for me. I started to feel that old familiar spiritual laziness coming on. Like maybe I've taken the 'be still' part a little too far.

I couldn't motivate myself to get out of bed thirty minutes early for quiet time. I let my conversation with God wane. I turned away in situations in which I should have immediately turned to Him. It was easier not to listen; easier to do it my way. And I started to feel guilty and discouraged because, Why can't I do this? Why do I fall so quickly? Why is it so hard for me to commit?

But, then He shook me. While I was just sitting there being still, He grabbed me and said Get up, it's time to Move.

That's when I realized what was happening.

Satan is fighting hard for me.

When I focus on God, Satan focuses on me. He preys on my weaknesses in a very real way. So much so that I can describe in detail his attacks of the past week. That may sound like a bunch of ballyhoo if you don't believe Satan is a real and powerful force. But I believe. I believe Satan schemes and breeds selfishness and ego, a need for power and control, judgment and self-righteousness. He will do anything to make me turn my back on God, to keep me from focusing on God and communion with Him.

As always, my Father came to my rescue and said I better wise up to the enemy's tactics, lest he sink my battleship. (side note: Have I mentioned God's grace? That although I screw up, He still wants me?)

I am reminded again that giving myself up completely is the only way to be saved. If I'm truly going to grow and walk this path with God for the rest of my life, I have to learn to be strong in my stand against Satan. Because Satan will never give up. But his attacks will be less effective once I truly put on the armor of God and rely solely on HIS strength, His word, His truth, His Peace. Not my own.

Here's what I'm currently contemplating:

The Armor of God
10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
Ephesians 6:10-18

Goals from last week:

• Get up every morning for quiet time before work. I think I covered this at the beginning of the post.
  
• Seek a new verse to memorize and meditate on.
  
• Continue reading The Practice of the Presence of God.
  

Goals for this week:

• Get up every morning for quiet time before work. - This would be the Move part
  
• Contemplating Ephesians 6:10-18
  
• Continue reading The Practice of the Presence of God.
  
• C.S. Lewis has some interesting things to say about the giving up of self, I'll be looking through my books to recall his words of wisdom
  

Selah.

DAWN

I never knew scraping left-over gravy out of a ten gallon pot could be the perfect start to a day.

For about six months, my boss has been inviting me to join in serving breakfast to the homeless at his church. Once a week, a small group of volunteers led by Mamma June, prepares enough biscuits, gravy, fruit, toast, jelly and oatmeal to feed 150 people. Serving begins at 6:00 a.m. I finally accepted the invitation and thus rolled out of bed at 4:45 a.m. to start my day.

As the newbie, I was given the highly coveted job of Biscuit Girl. Three per plate, then down the line to be smothered in Mamma June's gravy. Stationed at the first of the line, I was greeted with mostly grateful smiles, hearty good-mornings, how-are-yous and thank-yous.

Being Biscuit Girl, I had the privilege of standing next to Dan, the expert gravy-ladler. Dan is a charming, grandfatherly man, probably in his 70's. He is there every Wednesday morning, and serves at other churches on Tuesday and Thursday mornings, and some evenings. So these people who come to be fed, they know him. He greets many of them by name, asks about their families. He tells them he's glad to see them.

And he means it.

How must that feel to a person who does not have the means to feed himself? A person who more than likely slept on the ground outside, in a thunderstorm. How must it feel to start your day knowing someone is glad you showed up for breakfast? That someone would notice if you didn't. That someone is glad you came to take what he has to offer. Something you can't pay for. Someone you can't repay.

---

In the past week, I've noticed my world taking a new shape. A re-framing of everything in the context of His word, His love and my love for Him. I've felt pushed to do things I didn't want to do, and learn through it. I've felt consoled by learning to talk to God in a new way. I've felt pulled towards things that feel purposeful. It is amazing to me what I see and what happens when I start listening.


Goals from last week:

• Be still and listen - This is what I've done most this week.
  
• Get up every morning for quiet time before work - I failed miserably at this, but I'm not giving up; I've had quiet time, but I want to grow into consistently starting my day with some devoted time with God
  
• Start reading The Practice of the Presence of God - this book is not what I expected, it is so much more in a much smaller package than I anticipated
  
• Resist the urge to list ten more goals and instead focus on one thing at a time
  

Goals for this week:

• Get up every morning for quiet time before work.
  
• Seek a new verse to memorize and meditate on.
  
• Continue reading The Practice of the Presence of God.
  

Selah.

WHO WROTE THE BOOK OF LOVE

Last week, when I decided to approach my spiritual walk in a different way, I woke up the first morning and just laid in bed thinking, what today Lord? Where do you want me to start? What do you have to teach me?

This is new for me. I usually would have turned to a daily devotional, began a study series on a specific book of the Bible or tried, again, to begin a Read the Bible in One Year program. I would have had in mind some areas I wanted to work on or things in my life I needed to pray about.

But not that morning. Instead, I asked. I was trying to focus, listening hard, opening my mind, being very still and meditative. Then the dogs noticed my brain waves had changed from "asleep" to "awake," which is apparently their cue to jump on the bed and start licking me. I tried to ignore them and stay focused. After all, this was my time, and God was going to speak to me and I was determined to listen until He did! Ummm, have I mentioned I sometimes try to control things?

After a minute or so, I gave in and crawled out from under the covers, much to the delight of two frisky puppies. As I was pulling on my Uggs, it crossed my mind. DEUTERONOMY. Say what? DEUTERONOMY.

[shrug] Not exactly what I was expecting. But, okay.

After the dogs were outside where they were only slightly less distracting, I started skimming through the book of Deuteronomy, looking for something to catch my eye or tug at my heart.

Six chapters in, it did: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. Deuteronomy 6:5

Yeah, yeah. I recognize that one... keep going. Though, as I continued through the book, I found myself flipping back over to 6:5. There was something about the simplicity and familiarity.

Ah yes. I remember. Slooooww dooown. Get back to the basics.

Maybe I've not yet learned to really love my God. I know I believe in Him. I trust Him. I rely on Him, pray to Him, praise Him, seek Him. But do I really really know what it is to love Him? With all my heart and soul and strength? Have I ever really gone that deep? Or have I only known Him on the surface?

This week I've been thinking about this verse and these questions. I've been thinking about how this journey will lead me to a complete and fully committed love for my Savior, and what that might feel like. How the beginning may be understanding what is the goal: To love, revere, obey, serve and commit to my God with all my heart, all my soul and all my strength.

Goals for the week:

Be still and listen

Get up every morning for quiet time before work

Start reading The Practice of the Presence of God

Resist the urge to list ten more goals and instead focus on one thing at a time

Selah.

LIGHT

Selah is a Hebrew word that is used to signify the pause at the end of a line of a hymn before the next line begins. It is a moment for waiting and gathering, an instant of suspended alertness that shapes what is to come.

I've been inspired and encouraged by an old friend to start writing about my spiritual journey, such that it is. Which, honestly, has been scattered and sporadic, disjointed and overwhelming, and not always fully committed. I try. I'm always trying. But I realized that one of my biggest obstacles has been that I try to take in everything rightthissecond Iwanttobecompleteandmature and knoweverything and memorizeandpractice and walkthewalk and readeverybook and prayeveryprayer Right. Now. So every time I start a focused spiritual search, I get excited and, well, my brain eventually turns to skittles. I try to shove too much in to a small space. I miss important things. I lose focus. I get lost in the process. I don't know where I am or where to go next. I try to control it.

This old friend, our paths crossed again. . . I can not even say how I felt when I figured out why. Reading her words. . . I blinked, and breathed. . . that's it, I thought, slooooowww doooowwn. I don't have to Get It All this week. Just Stop. and Listen. This will be a lifelong journey. It is meant to be a lifelong journey.

I'm not exactly sure what direction these posts will take (or this journey for that matter), but I'm hoping that, as my friend puts it, this form of accountability will help me be more intentional about my seeking. I have to think about what I write; which means - I'll have to think about what I write.

Regular nonsense posting will continue, of course. Bussey World is not complete without a little nonsense now and then.

Selah.